Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*pronounces UPS like yoops
