Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom