Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.