‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot