‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.