‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes