Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Bond. Trauma bond.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone