US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Dance like you’re not the father
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them