Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Ferrari squats

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.