US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks