USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Sunday
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane