USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
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i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you鈥檙e here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn鈥檛 have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn鈥檛 work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 馃槄
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
[Putting petrol in car]
锛戯紮.锛欙紩
锛戯紮.锛欙紪
锛戯紮.锛欙紬
[stops]
[gently now]锛戯紮.锛欙紭
[very gently]
锛戯紮.锛欙紮
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]锛擄紬.锛橈紦
GODDAMMIT
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let鈥檚 goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Your honor, my client wasn鈥檛 trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
This is a genius move
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.