USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Found out my s褨ster ate my leftovers wh褨le 袉 was at work, now 袉鈥檓 star褨ng out the w褨ndow l褨ke 袉鈥檓 褨n a sad early 2000鈥檚 mus褨c v褨deo.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you鈥檝e got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 馃槈
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The worst place to be quote tweeted鈥ivorce Papers
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It鈥檚 my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I鈥檓 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I鈥檓 not the only dinosaur here