USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I bet birds love this building.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[loses house key, starts a new life]