USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
that colleague who touches your screen
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.