Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.