Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.