Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

adam and eve had first world problems

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

The news

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.