USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?