Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep