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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Happy birthday to all the women
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious