Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

I’m not stressed

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Why? Just why? 😂

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”