Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
For the ones in the back.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
He a real one for that
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up