Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
You Might Also Like
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
For the ones in the back.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’