Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

This kid will have a bright future.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.