Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it.I’m out.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

same bro

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

The USS B port