Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Banking tips

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.