“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sharon I have some bad news
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Never be a pizza!