Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I am HOWLING at this
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Very good! 👍😂
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
i meant to share this earlier
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.