Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill

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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.



If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy peeing.

Stay hydrated my friends.


Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.


“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.


What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?