Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down