Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

So inspired right now.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.