Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
You Might Also Like
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
it’s not been my year
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
based
