Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round