Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I love it
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.