if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
There is no “we” in pizza
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*me flirting
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.