Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…