Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
You Might Also Like
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
hmmm
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]