I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Broom by every window for quick escape.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Well, shit
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you