Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]