Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Chemical wingman
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?