Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems