Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
This guy gets it.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.