Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl