Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

What number SPF blocks people?

Before crowbars crows drank alone

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

how DARE