[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question