[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
How wrong was this guy?
Me, flirting😏
