Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no