[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You Might Also Like
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
me when I see my crush
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child