Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather