Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
i was dropped as an adult
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
This kinda thing happens to me often
Cndnsd Mlk
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
eating my hot dog hamburger style
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine