Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wednesday
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.