Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.