Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell