Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.