Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.