Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.