Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph