Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.