Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
You Might Also Like
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
God has left this place
United Steaks of America
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
pep talk
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”