Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
You Might Also Like
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Stop sending me this shit.