If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Posting this on behalf of a friend
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you