used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
You Might Also Like
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.