used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.