used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Good dog. ❤️
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.