used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?