Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Otters see a butterfly.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.