Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
so, is there a mister shapen head
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?