Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I like long walks away from everyone
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
