Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Wednesday
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown