Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
No. He’s not coming out to play
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk