Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done