Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say