used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.