used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Buying a well is money well spent.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
huge if true: the moon
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango