used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
You Might Also Like
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true