Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Mornin

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

The second world war should have been called world war returns

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective