Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You Might Also Like
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
wait.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Matthew was born for this.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia